August 31, 2014
See the picture above. I am slightly embarrassed at the amount of cleavage, I even lifted my shirt a little and tried to capture a less risque photo but that didn't work. I'm sure you can handle.
Green tea. I would have preferred to fix myself a large mug of coffee, however the Smiths ran out of milk after a Nesquik frenzy happened this morning. I tried black, and while it wasn't bad, I still prefer my coffee with milk. The first few sips were fine however towards the end there was this sweet sour taste. I'm not sure what that means so i'm sticking with tea for now.
I am getting a little antsy for the beginning of school. I love shopping for back to school supplies, however Aaron and I never go "all out." We are pretty practical and this year we only purchased the necessities: a backpack, pencils, scissors, erasers, pencil case, water bottle, lunch bag, lunch containers and hand sanitizer. Once we receive The List, from their teachers we will pick up whatever it is we do not already have.
If you want a funny, lighthearted read, check out this blog where the author compares the back to school shopping of today verses the 70s. READ
I complete my Human Resources class as of midnight tonight! Then I get a whole week off until I start my other set of classes. Going to school, though online, is still a lot of work but I have learned a great deal at the same time. Hopefully this time next year I will be walking across a stage to pick up my degree!
There is a blog that I just started following last week. It's one of those community type blogs that have a few different writers. I find the content to be so entertaining. It is both informative and fun all at the same time. Yummy Mummy
Hope you have a happy Labor Day!
August 28, 2014
Canadian weather, what a fickle thing. We never really had much of a summer with the constant fluctuation between sunny and warm to cold and rainy. It mostly resembled late spring but after the debacle that was winter I was up for anything that wasn’t deep freeze, snow and ice. I am ready to transition into fall and welcome warm sweaters, leather boots and the start of school!
This year I am looking forward to sending both of my boys with backpacks attached and lunch bags in hand. Lucas is particularly excited to be starting Junior Kindergarten, boasting his “big boy” status to anyone and everyone that will listen. He’s no longer “Little”, once upon a time he had accepted being called “medium” by his older brother, but now he’s “big” and he’s owning it like he should. Parts of me want to grab him and squeeze him and nuzzle him and snuggle him until he begs me to stop but he is growing up.
Joshua? That a whole other bag of craziness! I’m expecting more of him these days. He helps me in the kitchen on the weekends and he helps me with his laundry because one day I will expect him to do it all by himself. He ditched “baby” cartoons and now opts for My Babysitter’s a Vampire and other kid shows that feature teenagers in live action. He will start second grade! There is a benefit to being the first born; I have no desire to baby him for the rest of his life. I welcome his increased independence with a bring it on attitude. After all I have a much smaller human who fills that void for the time being. I wonder if that’s why the oldest child is supposedly “natural leaders” because we as parents are able to let them go with more easy and we are perfectly fine to watch them evolve as we clinging on to our designated baby.
Whether I choose to be ready, whether I ‘m not, it doesn’t matter because it isn’t about me anyways. It’s about them. And if I’m being honest with myself then I would just admit it, they are ready.
August 23, 2014
*from our Ottawa trip two weeks ago*
For the longest while, I had pinned this recipe for Moscow Mules. I had never had one before but the ingredients were simple enough (vodka, ginger beer and lime) so it couldn't hurt to give it a try. I love this drink! It's incredibly refreshing and since it only requires three things, its very quick and simple to make. I'm not the biggest fan of ginger beer, I find it to have too much of a bit, however it really blends well with the lime and vodka. If you find the drink to be too powerful, add less ginger beer. The vodka and lime do a great job at cutting the bitterness.
I feel sort of stalker-ish, but I've been watching a whole bunch of these vlogs today! I love beautiful vlogs and Alycia's are highly entertaining and helpful.
Catching up on
Cleaning! Aaron and I both work full time which means we reserve most of our around-the-house duties for the weekends. With the start of every season I like to do a big clean of the entire house which consists of Aaron and I going through everything and clear out what we no longer need. It gives us a fresh start. Since I consider the first day of school as the commencement of Fall, we will get a head start on our Fall cleaning. Last week we started with cleaned out the front closed, donating old coats and shoes. Next I will be going through the Tupperware draw and getting ride of containers with missing lids, lids with missing containers, chewed up and melted container.
I am enjoying doing absolutely nothing! This summer was fill with busy weekends. I cannot tell you the last weekend the smith family spent it entirely at home!
Last year, as part of my college writing class, I was assigned Barbara Kingsolver's High Tide in Tuscon and I absolutely loved it. It a compilation book of a bunch of her essays. The are reflective and interesting to say the least. It's a great read especially if you do not have time to invest in a typical novel. Its one of those books that you can pick up, flip to any essay and just read.
August 18, 2014
The amount of time that has passed since my last post seems eternal. So much has happened in these last five months. Five months. I was nearly five months pregnant on July 7th 2014 when I delivered my son Gabriel who weighed 10 precious ounces. My husband and I found out I was pregnant a few weeks into March. I remember sitting alone in the bathroom, waiting for the watermark to move through the result window revealing a positive pregnancy test. My husband and I were going to have our third child and the only thing I could do was laugh. I covered my mouth and laughed, perhaps it was nerves, perhaps it was shock, I am not too sure. Aaron was waiting patiently outside the door.
“what does it say?” he asked.
I laughed so hard and so breathlessly that I couldn’t speak. So I opened the door and managed to say “I’m pregnant.” And so began our journey.
On May 23rd, I noticed a small brown spot on my underwear in the morning. I was about 13 weeks pregnant and I made it into the “safe zone.” I knew spotting was normal in early pregnancy but it concerned me enough to call the nurse. She told me its most likely nothing to worry about but to follow up with my doctor on Monday. So I did. After about a week of continuous spotting I began to have what seemed like a full on period. Eventually I was diagnosed with have a Subchorionic Hematoma. 20% of women who have this go into preterm labour. Well that was that. I remained positive as I had an 80% chance of having a healthy pregnancy and making it to term. I felt him move, his heart beat was strong and by all accounts he was a healthy baby boy so there was no need to worry.
After many scary experiences which put me in the emergency room 3 times, my doctor thought it best for me to see a High Risk Specialist. On July 2nd the specialist told me that I had a membrane rupture and had no amniotic fluid left. I was 19 weeks. Of course since I had been bleeding nonstop for over a month I never noticed leaking fluid. He went over my options and I remained calm, but then he said “or, we can schedule you a time next week to terminate the pregnancy if you don’t go into labor on your own.” What?! I fell to pieces right there in his office. I told the doctor that I didn’t want to schedule and induction and that I would come back again to see if the situation had change. He was incredibly comforting and kind and understanding, handing me tissue after tissue, as he told me over and over it was not my fault, there was nothing I could have done differently.
I called Aaron, sobbing and told him what the Doctor had said. He took the rest of the day off work to be by my side. I needed him and he was there and as always he was strong for me. Each in our own way we mourned our Son. We mourned the baby that was still growing side me, that still had a strong heartbeat, that still depended on me yet we mourned him. With every bit of me I pray and I prayed and I pray, God please don’t take my baby! God please don’t make me have to induce! Please God!
That Saturday, July 5th we decided to get away and go to a cottage that Aaron’s parents were renting, just for the weekend as we needed to relax and enjoy some time with the boys. We would come back on Monday to go to my follow up appointment. Somewhere around 2am on July 7th, I woke up to what felt like Braxton hicks so I got up, used the bathroom, drank some water and went back to bed. Then around 3am I woke up again to more painful contractions, however they weren’t that painful certainly not what I remember labor contractions to feel like. I decided to time them anyways and noticed they were about 40 seconds in length and came every 5 minutes for the first 3, then suddenly they were every 2 minutes! How could that happen so fast? Aaron and I jumped out of bed as I rushed to get ready to head for the hospital!
“Wait!” I told him right before we were to head out the door. “I have to pee.”
I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet, when I looked down I saw the umbilical cord hanging out! I yelled for Aaron. This part is a blur but I remaining absolutely still, trying not to move so that nothing more came out. Somehow I ended up with a towel in my hand, Aaron doesn’t remember if I asked for it but I think I did. I looked down again and I could see his tiny feet slowly sliding out. I calmly and robotically quickly dropped the towel on the floor, I sort of cupped myself down there and slowly moved got up from the toilet. As soon as my bottom hit the towel, Gabriel came out. He never moved, he never took a breath he just laid there limp in my hands. I screamed and I cried this guttural cry that echoed throughout the bathroom. I kept saying “No, no, no, no!!!” over and over. I slightly covered him with the towel whenever Aaron came by. I don’t know why but I kept saying “Don’t look at him! Please don’t look!” I suppose I knew that Aaron needed to remain strong as he called 911 and he did.
It took the EMT 8 minute to find the cottage, and for those 8 minutes I held him. I studied him; looking at his feet, his toes, his fingernails. The shape of his face, his nose, his ears. His little hands, one resting on the side of his face. Gabriel was fully formed just very tiny, roughly the size of a sweet potato from head to bum. He did feel “heavier” than I thought he would. He had his oldest brother’s nose, his father’s feet and face shape, my pudgy fingers. Then the EMT arrived. They were so nice to me as they tried to talk me down. One of guys told me his name. At this point I still had Gabriel blocked off from view. He told me that he needed to cut the cord, so I lowered the towel.
“Wow,” he said taking in a deep breathe followed by a large exhale. “Okay.”
I could tell by his reaction and the look on his face that he had never seen an 19 week old baby before.
I went to the hospital, where I stayed in my room and was cared for like any other postpartum woman. I was given my three meals, I had the nurses come in to check my bleeding to massage my uterus. I had a visit from the Chaplin, he prayed with Aaron and I and spoke to our boys about what happened. They took it well. I asked over and over for a death certificate even though they don’t issue them for “miscarriages,” meaning not for less than 20 weeks however since I was so close, only 2 days away, they said they would. When it was time to check out, I left the hospital with an empty uterus, empty hands and an empty heart.
The day I left the hospital, Aaron and I went to the funeral home to make arrangements for his cremation. I picked out his urn, and we went over the paper work. They owner told us that everything would be taken care of and we only had to pay for part of the urn and some government fee or something. They also said they would take a cast of his footprint and in 1 month we could expect to get a pendant with his footprint on it. We then asked to see him one last time. They prepared him on a white pillow with a white blanket wrapped around it and had it tucked under his arm making it look like he was asleep. The put him in a special room and told us to take all the time we needed. This was a special time for us. The first week was of course the most difficult, but I will discuss my grief further in another post, just know that the grief we had for our son was strong.
There is so much more I could say, and in time I will find a way to say it but for now I will end with this. There are so many families out there that are going through or have gone through a loss of a child. When we lost Gabriel the one thing that provided me comfort during those dark hours was to be a part of miscarriage and child loss support group. I wanted to hear their stories, I wanted someone to relate to, I wanted to offer support to other people going through similar situations as well. The reason why I wrote this, wasn’t just to tell my story but to offer the same comfort and warmth that I received and continue to receive from those who have also dealt with a loss. My heart goes out to you, you are not alone.
From talking with parents, the one thing that I think all of us want people to acknowledge or to understand is that our children existed, our children were loved and our children will never be forgotten.