August 22, 2013

THROWBACK THURSDAY: NINETEEN

the following was a post that I did on another blog that I used to have a long time ago. I have not read it over to edit it or anything because when I wrote it, I let it pour out of my heart. I literally wrote it and pressed "Publish" without going back.
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Nineteen to now seems like yesterday. It's hard to believe that so many years have gone by, but nevertheless it has. Back then there were so many things that I thought I knew, but didn't; I severely under estimated the hardships of life thinking how easy it would all be once I moved out of my "controlling" parents home and started living on my own. I would making my own decisions and learning from my own mistakes. Things weren't always so simple.

When I turned 19 (seriously, the day after my birthday) I met a man, a 31 year old man who seemed to know so much, much more than my nineteen year old self knew and to me that was amazing. I put my heart and soul into him, and when he told me he "loved" me for the first time, I thought I had won this amazing prize. I fell hard, too hard, harder than anyone should every fall. I started thinking that my life would be nothing without him and that he completed me, he was my everything.

For most of the year I was living in Canada going to college, while he had his life in New Jersey. I would travel as much as I could and see him on all my visits back home, back when Jersey was home. In my mind I had it all. I would finish college and we would get married, buy a house and pop out two kids and live oh so happily ever after. Life, or God had other plans for me though, he knew what I didn't know.

I would soon come to find out that I was "mistress". My 31 year old boyfriend already had a girlfriend before he started dating me. I missed so many sign, the way he never answered the phone when I called from college, the way I could tell he was going to a different room before it was "safe" to talk, the way he never came to visit me, the way he never called me, the way we would only see each other on certain days when I was in town, the way I never really met any of his family, the way his best friend seemed so awkward around me and the biggest sign of all, the way my heart knew something was off.

How did I find out he was cheat? To make a long story short, lets just say I had a strong gut feeling one day and I pressed "play" on his answering machine, then I pressed "redial" on his phone and had a very interesting conversation with a certain person, which then led to a big confrontation with him and an accidental meet up with his girlfriend. We both learned the truth. Let me just say that now at 26, I am not for looking through someone personal property. Truth was I should have broken up with way before I found out his was cheating.

There are so many things that I learned from my year with him. I look back now and I don't understand how I could have been so naive and trusted him so much when he never gave me a reason to trust him. I learned that NO man should be your everything nor should he complete you because before you get into a relationship you should already be a complete person. My husband is amazing but he doesn't complete me, he adds his own complete self to me. I thought I couldn't live without him, well he's gone now and I'm still living, better now than before.

Rachael Yamagata's Happenstance was the soundtrack to my life that year, especially this song.

4 comments:

  1. i'm so sorry that happened to you. there's always something we learn from bad relationship but it's still crappy that it happened

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    1. Yes there is certainly a lot to learn!

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  2. It's so interesting to look back and think about what we THOUGHT we knew and how we thought we had it all planned out. I've gone through some similar lessons in my life, as long as we learn something from it, it was a mistake worth making. Thanks for sharing over at The Blogger's Digest.

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    1. What is it with 17-19 huh?! I thought I was the smartest person in the world for those year lol.

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